35 Years with Brenda Lee Koning

This may take longer than a usual Lunchtime Musing. There's so much to share. I want to tell you how Brenda Lee Koning became my wife 35 years ago on a snowy Saturday, December 19, 1987.

After our wedding in a Chicago area church, we honeymooned on the ski slopes of northern Michigan and then on the Caribbean Sea in Cancun, Mexico. From there, we called Greenville, South Carolina home, where I had one semester of graduate school remaining.

We lived on love with plastic lawn chairs for living room furniture and a blue, vinyl trunk for a coffee table. Money from wedding gifts enabled our first big purchases, a microwave oven and a 19-inch television. Our first home was a small, three-room apartment, one of multiple apartments in an old, transformed southern house in Greenville’s downtown district. The once beautiful maple floors had been freshly coated with chocolate brown paint. Before crawling between the sheets of our twin-sized bed, we’d brush off our feet so paint chips didn’t come to bed with us.

Mornings were quiet as I went off to school and Brenda to work. Dinners were romantic as Brenda would hurry home from work, make dinner, and await my arrival from the university library. I’m sure our story could be repeated by many – young and in love, little money, but over-the-top happy!

Brenda and I met at the Christian school we both attended when we were junior high and high school. The summer before my senior year and Brenda’s junior year we went on our first date. I picked her up in my dad’s 1976 full-size Chevy van, she in her bucket seat and I in mine, as far away from each other as possible, just like my mom wanted it. Miniature golf for her and batting cages for me, followed by some pizza and ice cream, made for a great evening.

We were too young to be thinking love and marriage. We just really enjoyed being with each other. That early infatuation grew into a love that prompted a wedding and a commitment that supported a marriage. We’ve been living life together ever since.

Looking back, it is not incidental that the high points of our marriage bear the mark of together and oneness. That’s exactly what God meant in Genesis 2:24, Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. It’s also true that the low points in our marriage bear the marks of individuality and separation. At those times when I acted in self-righteousness, self-preservation, self-gratification, and self-advancement, my relationship with Brenda always suffered. It isn’t too difficult to see the cause and effect. On the other hand, when I acted in such a way that promoted the righteousness of the two of us, the preservation of both of us, the gratification of each other, and the advancement of what we shared, our relationship has blossomed. It isn’t too difficult to see the cause and effect.

You really need to know this: Brenda is an amazing, godly woman. She’s wired in such a way that she could have been the wife of any one of dozens of other Christian men and made a godly home with him. I, on the other hand, probably fall into that group of men for whom God needed to shape a unique woman to be with me. That woman is Brenda.

The quality that we want most in our marriage is oneness, the sense of together. We want it for our children, and for our married friends and relatives, and for our church. We see this intimate relationship modeled in the intimacy of the Godhead (John 17:21), and we long for that for ourselves and for others. What the Trinity knows for eternity and what Brenda and I know often, I hope can be yours in your relationships – oneness, living the Christian life together.

Any Tips for Christian Marriages from an Older, Married Couple?

Get Married as Young as Possible

It’s math. If you get married younger, you have more potential years together. According to the CDC, “Studies have shown that adults in the United States are increasingly postponing marriage, and that a record number of current youth and young adults are projected to forego marriage altogether.” Here’s a shocking number, marriage has decreased by 40% in the last 50 years. It’s a bad move by society and for society. Many reasons exist for stalling or putting off marriage. At the forefront is a refusal to believe what God says - that one woman married to one man for a lifetime is a great gift from God.

It would have been difficult for Brenda and me to marry any younger than we did. She had recently turned twenty-one and I twenty-two. Brenda made that possible by finishing her undergrad degree in three years and not the typical four. We were young but not too young to marry. We were immature but not too immature to marry. The whole idea of having to have it all together before marriage is a fool’s plan. Instead, find a girl who can help you get it all together as God intended. Find a young man who can lead you to places you could never go without him. This is the way.

Establish the Priority of the Local Church

Christian families come from Christian marriages. The best move a Christian couple can make is to settle down in a local church and raise their family there. The Bible describes the church as Christ’s bride. A Christian marriage reflects the relationship between our Lord and his bride. What better place is there to grow a marriage than in the place where the love of Christ for his church is on display and where the submission of the church to Christ is evident? Christian marriages that view the local church as an accessory quickly fall behind what the Lord intends their marriage to become.

Learn from the Success Stories of Others

Brenda and I don’t have a perfect marriage, but it’s a pretty good one. We know a thing or two because we’ve seen a thing or two. We are working to improve our marriage, and we can help you improve yours. We can tell you how God changed us, protected us, repaired us, taught us, and keeps us. We can tell you the Scriptures that have been lights to our marriage path.

I don’t put a lot of weight in marriage statistics. They are often contradictory, and regularly, the math doesn’t add up, but I’ll give you one anyway. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the probability of a marriage lasting at least 35 years is about 38%. With every passing year, the percentage decreases. Many factors contribute to the end of a marriage, but here’s the point: if you know a marriage that’s lasted many decades, there is something of value to be gained. Find out what that something is.

If I had to do it all over again, I’d marry Brenda Koning in a heartbeat. I am living proof that “he who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22).

Happy Anniversary, Brenda Lee. I love you.

As always, I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

An Unopened Present Found Under the Tree

“The little Lord Jesus no crying he makes,” I’m sure Mary, his mother, would like a word.

Well written Christmas carols carry the individual and the congregation through some or all of our Lord’s advent. Some rise to the level of greatness, like Charles Wesley’s “Hark the Herald Angels Sing,” arguably the greatest text of any hymn, not merely Christmas hymns, in the English language. Then there are the rest. Some of which can be found in our church hymnal.

The 24 hymns and carols in our church hymnal appear in a grouping that begins with the ancient “O Come, O Come, Emmanuel.” Translated from Latin and set to music in the mid-19th century, the origin may date as early as the 12th century or any time to the 15th century. It is a fitting text and tune to begin Advent singing.

Our hymnal’s collection of Christmas carols finishes with “A Thousand Years Have Come and Gone.” Never heard of it? Me neither.

Thomas Lynch served a small congregation in London in the 1850s – 60s. He authored more than a few hymns for the church and the last Christmas hymn in our church hymnal. Frankly, I am not sure how it made its way into any hymnal.

The poetry of the first three stanzas is unimpressive, like this line in the first verse, “And in the hearts of old and young a joy most joyful stirred.” Not Pulitzer prize writing by my fellow clergyman.

But something happened when he penned stanza four, and while we won’t be singing Lynch’s Christmas hymn anytime soon and I’d bet the house you won’t hear it at a community Christmas concert in New Ulm, the last verse is good, like really good.

For trouble such as men must bear
From childhood to fourscore,
He shared with us, that we might share
His joy for evermore;
And twice a thousand years of grief,
Of conflict, and of sin,
May tell how large the harvest sheaf
His patient love shall win.

In a few lines, Lynch captures our Lord’s intimacy with us in our hardships and pain in a broken world. Lynch reminds us that as our Lord shares our burdens, we share our Lord’s eternal joy. And Lynch declares in the climaxing line that the number receiving Jesus’s salvation only increases with every year of sin.

Christmas hymns have a unique place in our worship and in our spiritual maturing. At once, many of them capture the deep pain of this world while holding out the hope found singularly in the incarnation of Jesus Christ. They aid us in our corporate worship, and they deepen our understanding of what Jesus has done for us.

Christmas carols are built on poetry, not all of it good, but listen carefully to the lines. You might find a present not previously known.  

As always, I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

Peace on Earth, Good-will to Men

For many, like my wife, Christmas is the best time of the year. My opinion doesn’t rise to best, but the Christmas season is up there for me. More than nostalgia and family, lights and gifts, I love Christmas music and have since my youngest days when my debut vocal performance included All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth as a second grader at Balmoral Elementary School.

I loved singing Silver Bells in my high school choir and playing Sleigh Ride in my high school band. I hope to sing again Handel’s Messiah in a large choir with orchestral accompaniment like I did as a student at Bob Jones University. Now, every Advent Sunday brings great anticipation for me as our church sings together Christmas hymns.

Christmas hymns are a curious part of our Christian singing. Over the course of a calendar year, we sing them only for a few weeks but quickly recover both the text and tune. Writers penned many of our Christmas carols during the 1800s using the language and imagery of the Victorian Era. As a result, many of our Christian hymns have slid into the realm of folk music and do not deliver to us the same impact it did nearly two hundred years ago. It Came Upon a Midnight Clear is an example.

American Edmund Sears began writing hymn texts at age 24, soon after his ordination in the Unitarian Church. His Unitarian doctrine is a problem, and that’s why the hymn does not include any mention of Christ or the reason for the babe in the manger, but let’s move past that for today.

When Sears wrote, the United States was at the brink of Civil War and explains the repeated call to embrace the angelic message of “Peace on Earth, good-will to men.” Sears’s heavy heart for the troubles of his day appears in a verse not in our church hymnal and omitted from most hymnals.

Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world hath suffered long; 
Beneath the angel-strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The love song which they bring;
O hush the voice, ye men of strife,
And hear the angels sing!

Now at the close of 2022 and nearly 175 years after the writing of this Christmas hymn, I find these days disheartening and discouraging. I cringe at the violence in our culture. I am saddened by the condition of our education system and what it produces and fails to produce in our children, a reality that can only lead to the decline of a once great people. I am angered by a government that upholds abortion on demand and thumbs its nose at the Creator’s design for marriage.

And then I gather with God’s people and sing our Christmas songs, many of which take us through the course of the incarnation to our Lord’s exaltation and ultimately our unification with him, and my heart is encouraged that Christ came and Christ is coming again. And by singing, I am encouraged to live today faithfully for our Lord (Colossians 3:16).

So, sing, Christians! Sing our folksy and glorious carols and be refreshed by the Incarnation of Jesus Christ.

As always, I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

Long COVID in the Church

Long Covid has entered the English language. Basically, “Long COVID or long-haul COVID is a condition characterized by long-term health problems persisting or appearing after the typical recovery period of COVID-19.” Of interest to me, the term did not originate in a medical journal but as a hashtag on Twitter. The term has no single, strict definition nor do hard and fast measures exist to determine if an infirmed person is experiencing symptoms specific to infection with the SARS-CoV-2 virus.

As a pastor, I find myself regularly evaluating Long COVID in the church. I don’t mean the physical symptoms some of our members face. I mean factors now part of our church members’ lives that did not exist before March 2020.

Stress on the Employed

We have all seen the signs asking for our cooperation because a business is short staffed. Fewer automobile mechanics mean longer wait times for needed car repairs. The same goes for getting into the dentist office or finding someone to do home maintenance. For whatever reasons, there are not as many people doing jobs as there were before COVID-19. That puts stress on the still employed.

Multiple women and men in our church work far more than they need to work or desire to work because there are not enough employees to do the job. Recently, one of our church members told me there used to be 9 people on the work team. That number is now 3. The remaining 3 must do the work of the previous 9. Last Sunday, one church member was driving to our building to gather for worship when the call came to come to work, a call that could not be refused. Similar scenarios play out every week in our church and, probably, in most churches.

The call here is to pay attention to those not in attendance at our weekly gatherings or in a small group. There is a reason for their absence, and the reason may be they still have a job. When you miss someone’s presence, do the work of a disciple and contact the person. Pray with them. Inform them of announcements missed. Share with them burdens you heard others express and pass on to them the Scriptures read and studied.

Comfortable with Isolation

Remember the early days of the pandemic? Next to our church property is highway 494, a bustling thoroughfare even on snowy days like today. But in March 2020, 494 was an endless stretch of cold blacktop. We hunkered down, watched too much television, completed puzzles, and become more comfortable with isolation.

Last week the Washington Post published an opinion piece full of facts and figures detailing the decline in time spent with people and the rise in time spent alone. This grabbed my attention:

The average American spent 15 hours per week with this broader group of friends a decade ago, 12 hours per week in 2019 and only 10 hours a week in 2021.

On average, Americans did not transfer that lost time to spouses, partners or children. Instead, they chose to be alone.

I cannot speak for all pastors and churches, but I can speak for ours when I say it appears our church is not exempt from this trend. Isolation by choice is not healthy for the individual Christian nor for the whole church. God did not create us to live in isolation (Genesis 1-2), and our Lord is not leading his church to live in isolation (Ephesians 4). The call here is to consider to what extent, if any, you have become comfortable in isolation, and to counter the trend by exercising your gifts toward others in the church, by receiving from the gifts of others in the church, and by choosing to spend time with other Christians in our gatherings, our small groups, our events, and your informal get-togethers. We cannot do the work of a disciple in habitual isolation when we have the capacity to engage.

Like those continuing to experience physical symptoms from Long COVID, I suspect the church too will experience symptoms. May we rest in God’s grace to address both the physical and spiritual impact.

As always, I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

The Blessings to Self Thankfulness Brings

“If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times” remains one of the consistent sayings from generation to generation in American families. Moms weary from wet towels on bedroom floors and dads befuddled by hand tools left in the sandbox repeat the mantra told to them by their parents. The cycle continues.

Still, not every repeat message occurs because the hearer forgets or is neglectful. Often the importance of the message requires repetition. When God repeats something over and again, wise people listen. At more than 130 times, few topics have more references in the Bible than thankfulness.

• In everything, give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you (1 Thessalonians 5:18).

• Giving thanks always and for everything to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ (Ephesians 5:20).

• Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God (Philippians 4:6).

• And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful (Colossians 3:15).

• Oh give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; for his steadfast love endures forever (Psalm 118:1)!

Developing a pattern of thankfulness is not merely a practice in good manners. To be a genuinely thankful person is to be a spiritually maturing person.

Think about it:

Thankfulness produces liberty when you realize your life, both temporal and eternal, does not depend on you. The Christian who sees the hand of God dispensing every good gift, from his salvation to his daily bread, finds great mental relief when he affirms in thankfulness that sustaining life does not rest on his shoulders because his Father in heaven bears the responsibility to care for him.

Similarly, thankfulness delivers security when you realize that your Father in heaven watches over you in constant vigilance. Anxiety can paralyze a woman or make a man unable to act. The Christian who woke this morning thankful to God for the protection through the night finds herself in the position of protection from her Father in heaven in her restless and anxious moments of the day.

In the battle against pride, thankfulness wins the day. How can you express pride in your achievements, your stature, or your wisdom when you first express humility in thankfulness to God for the endowment of your skills, for the unknown acts of providence that delivered to you your position, or for the understanding of a situation because of the insight God gave to you?

In a world fraught with hardships and the daily penchant to complain, thankfulness overcomes grumbling, whining, and protesting. Your spouse will be much lovelier to you when thankfulness to God for her starts your morning thoughts about her. Your parents will be much less of a bother to you when you begin your day with thankfulness to God for them. You will appreciate your job all the more and work through the real challenges you face when your workday begins with thanks to God for what the income from your job provides for you and allows you to do.

While some historians debate the finer points of the story, Matthew Henry’s thankful response serves as an example to us. An English preacher in the late 1600s and early 1700s, Henry traveled by horseback on a preaching circuit through the English countryside. On one occasion four thugs attacked Matthew, robbing him of the little bit of money he possessed. Later, Henry recorded in his journal these thoughts:

Let me be thankful first because I was never robbed before; second, because although they took my purse, they did not take my life; third, because although they took my all, it was not much; and fourth, because it was I who was robbed, not I who robbed.

While doing God’s will and serving God’s people, Matthew Henry experienced the reality of living in a sin-filled world. Who would condemn him for complaining? Yet, he finds in the event that left him poorer and the victim of a crime occasion to express thanks to God. You can do that too, can't you? As you do the will of God today as a dad, mom, son, daughter, employer, employee, and a brother or sister in Christ and experience some difficulty great or small, some point of dissatisfaction, some reason to complain, can you find a reason to be thankful to God?

Be thankful today. Your Father in heaven has been, is, and will continue to be good to you.

As always, I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.