Young parents do a lot of dumb things. I know because I was one. I think I could go on for hours about the dumb stuff I did when our boys and girls were in diapers or learning to drive. I’d like to think most of the errors were made in ignorance. In my defense, this was my first time being a parent. I didn’t know what I didn’t know, and what I thought I knew wasn’t what I knew. It’s complicated.
On the other hand, in God’s grace there were some things we got right. Brenda may recall, but I do not - somewhere along the way we picked up two critical practices we incorporated into our parenting. These are at the top of our list of what parents must teach and expect of their children.
First Time Obedience
We have a good Heavenly Father. His instructions are neither grievous nor arbitrary. When he speaks to us, he expects us to obey, the first time we are told and without hesitation or complaint.
What God expects of all humanity is what he directs in parent / child relationships. He says, “Children, obey your parents,” but small children cannot read. The Word of God must be read to them and taught to them. Obedience to parents is the first instruction of God a child needs to learn and a parent needs to teach. When we teach our children to obey parents, we are training our children how to respond to God – immediately and without complaint.
Obedience is a submission of the will. We humble ourselves before God who has the authority to direct. In his wisdom, God has delegated authority in the home to parents. Curiously, all too many parents have abdicated their positions and handed them over to four, five, and six-year-olds. We’ve all seen the meltdown when a child does not get his way. We’ve all witnessed a 28-pound, cute as a button, curly haired princess control the actions of four fully grown humans. It’s only funny when it’s not your kid.
To gain compliance, many parents resort to negotiation tactics. Remember longstanding political policy, “We do not negotiate with terrorists”? Your child is not a terrorist, but we do not negotiate with children to gain their compliance. Negotiation teaches authority can be shared and gained by tactics and ploys. This is not God’s wisdom for your home.
When children resist parental instruction, ask the child, “Are you going to obey God by obeying mom…dad?” The question elevates the problem to the real issue: this is not first a power struggle between the child and the parent but a power struggle between the child and God. Junior is faced with his responsibility before God. His repeated failures to obey God open the door for gospel answers. “I don’t know why I can’t obey” turns to “You cannot, but Jesus did.”
The earlier you institute this expectation in your home, the better. Forming patterns of obedience is easier than breaking patterns of disobedience. Still, if you have not taught your older children what God requires, it is not too late. Seek God’s forgiveness for missing the mark, communicate with your children what God expects, then graciously and patiently enforce God’s expectation. Your children will be better for it.
When we do not require first time obedience, we teach our children that parental authority is arbitrary and by extension, God’s authority is arbitrary too. First time obedience is not a sign of weakness but an expression of maturity that understands I am not the king of my world. God is, and I will obey him.
2. A Righteous, Verbal Response
We’ve all witnessed it, the exasperated parent who belts out, “How many times do I have to tell you not to do that?” and “This is the 100th time I’ve told you this, and you still haven’t done it.” And we know the adolescent responses, “I didn’t hear you” or “I didn’t understand what you meant” or “I thought you wanted me to do something else.” That’s a tricky situation in parent / child relationships. You might have your suspicions, but how do you know your children didn’t hear you or how do you know your child understood your direction? The requirement of righteous, verbal response positions the child for obedience. All three words are important.
Righteous
“Yes ma’am” is a response. So is a sigh, a slammed door, or stomping away. The latter responses are natural. A righteous response is taught.
Our oldest never, and I mean never, told us no when we gave him an instruction. He “was more cunning than any” of the other children. When his mom gave him a directive, he would routinely tell us of his sudden leg pain. Rubbing his pants, he would offer, “My leg hurts.” The translation is, “Yeah, I’m not going to do that right now.” His younger sister, on the other hand, would look you square in the eye and tell you, “No!”
Verbal
How do you overcome the “I didn’t hear you” and the “I didn’t know that’s what you meant” and the rest? A parent needs to hear the child’s submission to authority and his acknowledgment that he understands the assignment.
Response
Each family must decide what works best for them. For us, we wanted something less formal than “Yes, sir” and “No, ma’am.” In our home, a righteous, verbal response is “Yes, dad,” “No, dad,” “Yes, mom,” and “No, mom.” When all was going well, the child offered this freely. On days when the flesh was stronger, we would ask for the response. “Will you give a righteous, verbal response?”
I am convinced a righteous, verbal response follows the pattern of Jesus. Do you remember his garden prayer? “Nevertheless not my will, but yours, be done.” Determine the righteous, verbal response that works best for your home, then stick to it.
Being a parent is great, but parenting is hard. Our God has given us the responsibility to train our children. Training for first time obedience and a righteous, verbal response honors the Lord.
Keep at it, parents. Your labor is not in vain.
As always, thanks for reading, and I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.