I Kiss Men

Breathe. It’s all good. I’m very selective in the men I kiss.

My dad’s family health history reflects the Middle Ages. Adults in his family routinely died in their 40s and 50s. In fact, when my dad died at the ripe old age of 74, he died long after the lifespans of his mother, father, his three older siblings, and one younger brother. None of them lived to 74. The gene pool needed some chlorine.

The last decade of my dad’s life was physically challenging. From cancer to MRSA, disease riddled his once strong body, but let’s talk about kissing men.

My dad expressed love with his words freely. Though soft spoken, my dad finished nearly every phone conversation with me the same way, “I love you.” It could be my memory is failing, but I don’t recall my dad expressing love physically. Don’t get me wrong. In no way am I complaining or casting aspiration on him. My dad loved me and told me so often, but he didn’t hug me or kiss me.

After we married, Brenda and I never lived closer than 300 miles or so from her parents or mine. Of course that meant our time together with family was limited. As my dad grew sicker, I concluded the day was coming when I would say goodbye for the last time until we met again in heaven.

I don’t recall making a conscious choice to start kissing my dad. It just happened. In later years when I said goodbye to him, I’d hug him and kiss his cheek. I remember driving away and saying to Brenda, “Well, that may be the last time.” Three years ago it was, and I kissed him before I left.

My sons are 27 and 19-years-old, and I kiss them. I started kissing them as babies, didn’t stop when they were in high school, and kiss them now though they are bigger than I am.

Michael and his wife live more than 500 miles away from us, and Jeffery goes to college in South Carolina, 1,100 miles away. When they walk through the front door of my house or before they pull out of our driveway, I kiss them – a strong hug and a kiss on the cheek from me to them.

I don’t know exactly what Paul meant when he wrote, “Greet one another with a holy kiss,” but he wrote it four times to three different churches! Peter wasn’t going to let it slip by either, so he wrote it too (1 Pet 5:14). There’s obviously something important to Paul and Peter about kissing, both for the giver and the receiver of the kiss.

To kiss my dad expressed

• my honor of him
• my respect for him
• my humility before him
• my appreciation for him
• my love him

To kiss my sons expresses

• my desire to maintain close relationships with them
• my hope they will find security in my affection for them
• my approval of their lifestyles and choices
• my unspoken communication that there is nothing currently between us
• my leadership that they will be free in their physical expressions to their family members as they continue to grow older.

Beyond the apostles' words, I cannot find any Bible commands to call us to obey as I think about kissing father and son. The Scriptures give some positive examples of physical affection in male to male relationships – Isaac and Jacob, Joseph with his brothers and father, Moses and his father-in-law, Samuel and Saul, and Jesus with his disciples. While not binding on us, the examples do seem sanctioned and appropriate.

As I think about it, I cannot think of one good reason for a son not to kiss his father or for a father not to kiss his son.

Maybe it would be weird if you all of sudden moved in toward your 14-year-old son with wet, puckered lips or to your 71-year-old pops, but don’t rule it out altogether. Give it some thought, and ask the Lord for the right opportunity. There’s plenty of good, correct, and beneficial reasons to express in the most intimate of ways your undying love to your dad or your son.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

Praying for Mom

Both my grandmother and my mom were prayer warriors. I doubt if anyone brought my name before the Lord more than two of them. Many of you could say the same thing about the women close to you. Praying moms have plead with God for the souls, safety, supply, and security of their children since before the time of Hannah of old (1 Samuel 1-2).

As Mother’s Day approaches and we honor mom, what better way could you honor her than by following her example and praying for her?

1. “God, help her not to grow weary in doing well.” She’s human so she’ll be tired, but she doesn’t have to be weary of her labor of love (Galatians 6:9). She cooks, cleans, and repairs. She’s the homework aid and the Uber driver. She serves her family with every new day, and she needs your prayers.
2. “Lord, grant her wisdom to answer the questions that come her way.” Mom…Mom…Mom… She hears that three-letter-word over and again every single day. Usually, it’s followed by “where’s my shirt?” or “why are we out of cereal?” But every day brings questions that require the mind of Solomon – questions about love, disappointments, frustrations, wounds, and worldview. Her answers shape the mind of those in her care, and she needs your prayers.
3. “Father, teach her to live with her husband in unity.” Children are a gift from God but can be a distraction to a marriage. For some moms the man she lives with has become a roommate collaborating to pay the bills and raise the kids. God intended more for her marriage (Genesis 2:24). He intended for her to be one with her husband, and she needs your prayers.
4. “Lord, show her when to say yes and when to say no.”Whether she works outside the home or within or both, she makes dozens of decisions each day for the smooth operation of her home and its inhabitants. Her position in the family makes her a household manager. She wants to do the best she can (Proverbs 31:27), and she needs your prayers.
5. “Father, enable her to receive from the older women who have walked her path before her.” She’s not alone though she often feels alone. She’s not the first to experience the challenge she faces today, but she’s embarrassed to admit her failures because all the other moms have it all together. She wants someone to show her the way to do the impossible task she’s been called to do, and she needs your prayers.
6. “God, prompt her to share her wisdom and presence with younger women who walk that path behind her.” There’s a reason the Scriptures call older women to teach younger women - they can help (Titus 2:4)! Many younger women are desperate for the comfort and counsel of an older woman. When an older woman is called into action to instruct a younger woman, she needs your prayers.
7. “Lord, make her sweeter in her disposition as she ages.”She’s lived a long life, served in untold numbers of ways, and shows some scars from her journey. The temptation to demand, judge, grow callous, and complain may be her daily struggles, she needs your prayers.

My list isn’t exhaustive. I’m sure you could add a few more. Like my mom, maybe your mom is with the Lord and no longer needs your prayers. Still, there are women in our church who need your prayers.

God has given us a wonderful gift in the women close to us, but they cannot do what they do on their own strength and in their own wits. They need God’s enabling, and they need our prayers.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

My Friend Took His Own Life

Nothing I’ve written has been shared more across social media than a 2013 Lunchtime Musing on the subject of suicide. I offer this to you again today because my heart is broken. In the early hours this morning, I learned of the death last Saturday by suicide of a former member of our church – a young husband, father of three elementary age children, and a highly intelligent and gifted man. Would you pause to pray with me for his wife, children, other members of his family and friends, and his current church. Then, please read what follows.

After accidental injuries mostly related to car crashes, the leading cause of death for 10 to 34-year-olds in the United States is suicide. I suspect nearly all reading today know someone or a family where suicide has been a nightmare not merely a statistic.

According to the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), After a period of nearly consistent decline in suicide rates in the United States from 1986 through 1999, suicide rates have increased almost steadily from 1999 through 2014. While suicide among adolescents and young adults is increasing and among the leading causes of death for those demographic groups, suicide among middle-aged adults is also rising.

With that in mind, I share with you again pastoral thoughts on the painful and very real problem of suicide among professing Christians.

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The pain must be unbearable. The aftermath sucks the very life out of the family. No reasonable answers exist to answer the ultimate question, “Why did he do it?”

On Mother’s Day Jonathan Hamilton died after a fall from the upper level of a Greenville, South Carolina, parking garage. The Greenville County Coroner determined the death a suicide.

Jonathan grew up in a ministry home. He is the son of Ron and Shelly Hamilton, hymn writers and originators of Patch the Pirate. For those familiar with the music, Jonathan’s voice was that of PeeWee Pirate. My heart breaks for the Hamilton family.

This news follows that of Matthew Warren, son of Pastor Rick Warren. Like Jonathan, the 27-year-old PK (preacher’s kid) took his own life. My heart also breaks for this family and this pastor.

Why do people commit suicide? No simple sentence or paragraph can answer that question. The Bible tells of some who ended or attempted to end their lives. Jonah tried, but God intervened. Judas Iscariot succeeded as did King Saul.

I think it is accurate to say that in the mind of the one who attempts the act there is a thought that rages, “Better dead than alive.” The thinking is, of course, a lie; nevertheless, the thinking seems, at the time, so true.

Many have a connection to someone who took or attempted to take his own life. I share that experience. Though I have no memory of him, my birth father took his own life when I was a toddler.

In my capacity as a pastor, two church members took their own lives – one, a father of teens in our student ministry and another, a teen in our student ministry. Like most suicides, the families asked questions that could not be answered. To this day, my heart aches for those families.

The most recent statistics report nearly 43,000 suicides annually in the United States. Men commit suicide at a rate nearly 4 to 1 compared to women. Suicide is the second leading cause of death among young people ages 10-34. Every day 16 senior citizens end their lives. Among those 43,000 were many born again Christians, brothers and sisters in Christ who believed The Lie, “Better dead than alive.”

When a believer attempts or commits suicide, he accepts as truth the same lie that a non-believer accepts. In many The Lie brewed for months or even years culminating in that one final act. To overcome the act, one must overcome The Lie. Our task is to help them overcome The Lie. It is not easy, but it is possible.

A few answers to suicide questions:

Yes, a born again Christian does go to heaven even if he dies at his own hands. There is nothing in the Scriptures that teaches that God’s wrath remains on a man if he commits suicide. In fact, Romans 8:38 affirms that no death of any kind can separate a believer from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

Yes, the church can help people tempted to commit suicide.Sisters in Christ can and must aid other women who are distraught to the point of suicide. Brothers must connect closely enough to other men that they can aid when a man is on the verge of believing The Lie. God has given to the Church His Word, His Spirit and His Son to address every need a man has, including any needs that might cause one to consider suicide.

No, there is no definitive guide, sign, indicator, or hint that suicide may be in the mind of someone close to you. Many survivors say, “He seemed so happy,” “We have no explanation,” or "How did I not see this coming?" The fact is the evil one is a devious liar and can prey on the strongest of us in a moment of weakness.

No, this final act does not and should not define a person’s life. It is easy for a survivor to consider the loud and abrupt end of one’s life as the moment that characterizes him. This is an unfair and inaccurate conclusion.

I appreciate what my friend, Jeremy Frazor, wrote about Jonathan. Jeremy is a staff evangelist at Jonathan’s home church in Simpsonville, South Carolina.

Praying for and grieving with the Hamilton family tonight. Thinking back on his life brings a big smile to my face. I remember when God got a hold of his life as a teenager. The zeal and joy he had. He was on fire for God! Going soul winning downtown Greenville, playing soccer for the Mohicans, teaching him gymnastics and watching him flip. What a gifted person. Fun times!!! In the last couple of years, I remember a song that our team did that he wrote called, “Higher Ground.” It was awesome! I know he is enjoying Heaven! He is with Jesus Christ his Lord. I’m jealous in a good way for him. Looking forward to seeing him again soon!

No, pastoral and ministry families are not exempt from believing The Lie. We are made of the same flesh that you are. Sometimes we feel that we cannot live up to your expectations. Sometimes our children no longer want to live in the glass house. Sometimes, we believe The Lie that Jonah believed, “Better dead than live a ministry life.” Pray for us and for pastor/ministry families that you know. Be attentive to their loneliness, their moves to isolation, and to the heavy burdens they endure like the heavy burdens you endure.

No, neither you nor your family is exempt from believing The Lie. A fatal error across a wide spectrum is thinking I could never do that. At best, such thinking is naive. Guard your mind against even the slightest consideration of taking your own life. It's a lie to conclude better dead than alive.

No, we will not shame you or judge you if you tell us that you are tempted by The Lie. I suspect that many people, including me and possibly you, have entertained the thought, “Better dead than alive.” By God’s grace we overcame through the power of the risen Jesus Christ.

We know that apart from God’s grace, we too would be a statistic. We want to help you to overcome too and conclude, I have been crucified with Christ: it is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me; and the life which I know live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me (Gal. 2:20).

Praying for the Warren family. Praying for the Hamilton family. Praying for the people of First Calvary Baptist Church that none would believe The Lie and that all would assist any who may now be on the edge of believing The Lie.

As always I welcome your feedback and any suggestions you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

Shame, Shame, Shame

“When I was your age, I never would have done that!”

“How could you do such a thing when we’ve given you so much?”

“What is the matter with you? Are you stupid or something?”

“You’ve ruined our family’s name and reputation.”

"You're lucky to still be in this school."

None of these statements is imaginary. All of them and many more come from the mouths of Christian parents and Christian authorities to children. They are the totalitarian responses to some action done by a child that has met with disapproval by the adult. The statements deliver nothing but shame, a defeating and debilitating state of mind. The proclamations wound and scar the victim. The accusations offer no help and no way of escape. They widen the chasm between child and authority. They isolate the child, fostering in his mind the lie that no one else but him has ever done anything like the thing he’s done.

In his recent book Parenting, Paul Tripp offers a key truth when he instructs “We are more alike than different.” He isn’t talking facial features or DNA. He’s talking about what goes on in our hearts and what went on in our hearts when we were younger.

If we are honest, we must admit…

• We are more alike than we are different in our immorality.
• We are more alike than we are different in our untruthfulness.
• We are more alike than we are different in our rebellion.
• We are more alike than we are different in our ingratitude.
• We are more alike than we are different in our anger.
• We are more alike than we are different in our complaining.
• We are more alike than we are different in our foolishness.

Because we are more like our children than we are different, you would think we would express empathy and sympathy toward them. Instead, what too often comes from adult to child is shame, as if “I never!”

When discovering your boy has dabbled with pornography on his iPad, instead of shattering the iPad into a thousand pieces, how about coming alongside your son and empathizing with him because you know what the battle with lust was and how the battle remains. Instead of shaming him for giving into temptation, how about identifying with him as one fallen man to another? How about showing him the way out that you discovered in God’s Word? How about leading him to Jesus who cares more about him than you ever will? You see, you are more like your son than different.

When hearing for the 10,000th time the complaining of your daughter, instead of screaming at her how ungrateful she is, how about coming alongside of her and empathizing with her because you know the battle that rages in your own heart when you don’t get what you want? Instead of shaming her for being an unappreciative brat, how about identifying with her as one fallen woman to another? How about showing her the way out that you discovered in God’s Word? How about leading her to a thankfulness to God that she and you are not burning in hell at this very moment because of God’s unending mercies and abundant grace. You see, you are more like your daughter than different.

As a Christian boy, I heard over and again the dangers of temptation and the recitation of the “thou shalt nots.” I watched what happened to those who were found out, to those who got caught. I witnessed the shame cast down on them for their failures. I made two conclusions: (1) don’t get caught and (2) no adult has any idea what I’m going through; they only want to point out my failures. I learned to hide from anyone who could help me because I was convinced by their shaming of my peers that no one would help me.

When one human being shames another, he establishes a superiority and inferiority that does not exist. None of our sin natures is less corrupt than that of another. We all are undone. All of us are unrighteous (Romans 3). Who do we think we are that we can go around shaming one another for sin and failures? After the fall when their nakedness was uncovered and became a source of shame for both of them, could Adam say to Eve, “Well my nakedness isn’t as bad as yours! Put some leaves on.” Yet, that’s exactly what happens when we shame the fallen nature of others identifying their nakedness but ignoring the reality that we too were once naked but have been covered up by the work of God. We are far more alike than we are different.

The Bible calls us to sympathy and empathy (Galatians 6:1-2). The Bible calls us to lift the fallen. The Bible calls us to embrace the mercy and grace of God for ourselves and for every person close to us.

If you have determined you are more unlike than alike, then that’s straight foolishness.

If you shame another human being – whether a son or daughter or a fellow Christian in our church – well, then, shame on you!

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

"Daddy's home!" The Two Scariest Words in Some Christian Homes

In the last few days I’ve read two crushing stories written by wounded women raised by men who professed faith in Jesus Christ. One of the women was a dear teenage friend and the other the daughter of an acquaintance. Separated by a generation and unknown to each other, the women tell similar stories whose common theme is “my father controlled the family in every single area of life.”

These women share a common vocabulary – abuse, manipulation, domination, guilt, shame, fear, threats, beating, prison, favor, freedom, independence and love. They write of a hidden child and a lost little girl. They describe cover up, their masks, their confusion, and their diminishing connection to reality.

These fathers – the men God used to bring these women to life inside the womb, the men commissioned by God to raise their daughters in the nurture and admonition of the Lord, the men to whom God entrusted these former little girls – these fathers consumed these girls on their own lusts well into their early adult lives. All while claiming the name of Jesus.

• They used loud language to control
• They used sarcastic language to control.
• They used mean language to control.
• They used demeaning language to control.
• They used bully tactics against male suitors to control.
• They used the church and God’s Word to control.
• They used brute strength to control.
• They used intimidation toward their wives to control.
• They used money to control.

Of course little girls are not the only victims; boys and teenage sons are too. They usually don’t write stories sharing their pain. Instead, they bury the pain deep in their souls, often turning to any remedy to dull the agony caused by dad. Sometimes, these boys become men who do the very thing to their wives and children that they vowed they would never do.

Control should never be confused or misnamed as leadership. It is an illusion and a lie to defend controlling behavior as something that protectively polices or something that positions others for success. God has called men to lead in their families and relationships, and God condemns every expression of force that serves to buttress a man’s position (1 Peter 5:3).

Men, there is one Lord, and you aren’t him.

The difference between control and leadership could not be clearer. For example, leadership supplies security and positions another for success. Where leadership is about the protection and advancement of others, control is about the protection and advancement of self. Leadership gives away power; control amasses power. Leadership loosens the grip while control tightens it. Leadership fills the room with fresh air; control sucks the oxygen out of the room. Leadership delivers relief; control burdens with shame.

God detests the actions of the men whose stories have now been told by their daughters. I cried for my friend when I read her story and pray for the healing of her soul. The telling of these stories causes me to wonder how many more women are out there like them. Further, I want to help.

If you are a woman who has a husband who is on the edge of destruction, would you contact my wife or me? We want to help you. If you are young woman whose dad has abused you, beat you, manipulated you, or assaulted you, we want to help you. If your siblings are next in line and you are concerned for their wellbeing, we want to help you. What is happening in your home is not normal; it is not ok. Our Lord is on your side. He loves you. Help is available to you. Healing grace can be yours.

If you are a father who has fostered the first chapters of the story your daughter will write, get help now. It is not too late to find forgiveness and God’s grace. Your pride will tell you to hide and cover up. Your pride will tell you you’re not as bad as your daughter or son makes you out to be. Your pride will justify your behaviors, even convincing you that you have the Bible’s authority, God’s authority. You do not. Your pride will destroy everything, and your pride may carry your soul straight to hell. Help is available to you. God resists the proud, but he gives grace to the humble. Our Lord loves you, and he is the only one who can save you and your family before all is lost. Would you reach out to me and allow me to point you to Jesus?

I never again want to read one of these stories. More specifically, I never want to read one of these stories written by a little girl I once knew. May God protect the potential victim, and may God thwart the sinful control of the abuser.

Weeping with those who weep.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.