She's 11 and Wants Her Own Phone, Now What?

Her mom knew something was wrong. “I wonder what happened at school today?” the mother of three thought as she watched her 11-year-old trudge up the driveway toward the front door. Her little girl’s head hung low, and the usual smile after waving to her friends on the bus was nowhere to be found.

“Hi, honey! You’re just in time to help me make some cookies.”

“It’s not fair! Everybody else has their own phone except me. Today, Mila came to school with a phone. She showed it to everyone. The whole class was happy for her. Now I’m the only one without one. Why can’t I have a phone like everybody else?”

It is only a matter of time before the little girl gets a phone. I don’t have a problem with the inevitable. Cellular phones are as much a part of our culture in 2018 as is indoor plumbing. And like indoor plumbing, both contain foul odors. When managed correctly, no one notices. Left unchecked the whole house suffers.

In a previous Musing I asked, “What training do children receive before their hands grasp their first phone?” Here is an incomplete directory of ideas and suggestions for training and managing smartphone use in our families.

1. Put off handing a smartphone to your child for as long as possible. Brenda and I ditched a landline long before it was common practice. No phone on the wall created a problem when we were away from home. What do the kids at home do if they need to make a call when both mom and dad are away or what do we do if we need to make contact with them when they are home alone? Our answer was to have a dedicated pay-as-you go phone available at home. They are mostly inexpensive and easy to manage but not always easy to find around the house, if you know what I mean.
2. Parents must train and expect children to accept direction and correction in other areas of life before a cell phone becomes part of a child’s identity. If a child shows humility and a willingness to accept guidelines and improvement in other areas, he may be ready for a cell phone; however, if a child offers resistance to parental leadership, the child is not ready for the responsibility of a cell phone. To hand her one is to ask for problems. “Give me my phone!” will be your harsh reality.
3. In our home any member of our family has veto power over any social media friend on another family member’s account. For example, one of the boys knows one of his sisters follows a boy on Instagram he thinks is a problem. He can veto that friend, and the friend goes away on the app. The same holds for Snapchat, Facebook, Twitter, and the rest.
4. In our home we do not allow any private passwords on any phone. All the family members in our home know the password to my phone, and each family member freely offers the password on his or her phone to the rest of the family.
5. In our home texts received and texts sent are open for mom and dad to read at any time. This is a non-negotiable. As our children have gotten older, our reading of their texts has decreased to the point that it is now virtually non-existent. However, when they first received their phones, we read their text communication daily and, often, repeatedly in the same day.
6. In our home cell phones have a bed time. When a child goes to bed, the phone goes to bed too on the counter in the kitchen. It stays there until the next morning when the child may retrieve it after the morning routine is complete. We don’t want the last thing our children experience at night to be their phones nor do we want the first thing they experience in the morning to be their phones. We want the last and first to be God and family. The importance of this guideline cannot be exaggerated.
7. In our home browser history cannot be deleted by the phone’s user. The history can only be deleted by another family member.
8. In our home cell phones are not the Bible used for worship.In truth I’d suggest this be the practice for all of us. Our phones do not NEED to come in the church building with us. It is nearly impossible not to be distracted by a cell phone’s other uses when it is used during worship. Unless it is put in airplane mode so no push notifications can come through, it will be a distraction. Even then how many of us are disciplined enough to not momentarily check a social media app, not send or read a text, or not go for a two-minute surf on the web? Do you really think your child is mature enough to worship with a cell phone at the ready? Do you really think your child can keep his phone in his pocket and engage in fellowship with other believers before and after worship? I see no reason for cell phones when we gather to worship. If you have one, I am willing to be corrected.
9. In our home had an app like Moment been available, we would have installed it on phones. These apps monitor usage and allow parents to set limits on children’s phones. We learn to ride a bike with training wheels. Learning to use a cell phone with restraints on time is a wise move.
10. Before giving your child a cell phone or if you’ve already given your child a cell phone, read together the recent publication 12 Ways Your Phone Is Changing You. If you act quickly, you can get the book for free in audio format.

Others will have additional ideas that help control an amazing and wonderful device that God has made possible for us to enjoy. If we are to do all to the glory of God, including using a cell phone, then our cell phones must be our servants and never our masters. Guidelines help maintain the relationship between a user and his cell phone.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

We Train for Driving We Should Train for Smartphones Too

"I can’t wait to get my driver’s license and then my own car" has been replaced by "I can’t wait to get my own phone."

Back in the day it was the dream of nearly every 15 and 16-year-old. A driver’s license meant you were somebody. The piece of plastic meant you had passed driver’s education classes, the written exam at the local department of motor vehicles, and the dreaded behind the wheel test. The card was so much more than an ID. The card provided opportunities for freedom and privacy.

Never again would you have to bum a ride. With you behind the wheel, the music on the radio was your decision alone. The mall, your friend’s pool, your girlfriend’s house, hanging out in the park and more were all a turn of the key away. Your car was your world. The absolute worst thing your parents could take away from you was to ground you from your car. Stuck at home. No friends. No liberty. No privacy.

This is 2018 and getting a driver’s license is still a big deal, but I suspect if you were to ask a teen to make a choice between losing driving privileges and losing his cell phone, he’d sooner walk uphill both ways than lose the privacy and freedom that comes with having his own phone. With his phone he has the privacy and liberty previous generations had with their cars. On his phone he can go to the mall, hang out with friends, text his girlfriend, and spend hours doing what he wants with whomever he wants. And because he’s good with tech, no one has to know any of the details. All the privacy and all the liberty with minimal hassles.

It used to be parents and older teens battled over the car. They still may, but any parent who’s crossed swords with her teen over the use of a cell phone will tell you about a battle described as Armageddon.

Researcher Eric Geiger writes, “While there is not yet an agreed upon official name for the generation after the millenials, and dates vary a bit among researchers, iGeneration is the name Jean Twenge assigns to those born in 1995 through 14-17 years post-1995 (the year the Internet was born to the world). So in 2018, those in iGeneration are 6 to 23 years old.” I’m suggesting this is the generation for whom their cellphone is the most important possession. And that’s a problem.

Before children secure their driver’s licenses, we require them to sit in a classroom weeks on end, practice a predetermined number of hours in a moving vehicle, wait for many months after getting a learner’s permit before driving solo, and then pass both a written and driving test before we give them the privilege to drive a car. Once a kid gets his license, he’s met with all kinds of restrictions. The law limits the number of people he can transport as a new driver, and the law limits the time of day he can drive. Parents may put additional restrictions on a young driver. All these moves make sense. It is a huge responsibility to drive a car.

And it’s a huge responsibility to give a child a smart phone. But what training do children receive before their hands grasp their first phone? What preventions do the mature put in place to protect the immature from dangers they cannot imagine? How do those who supply the phone and the data usage insure that they are not bringing a handheld idol into their children’s bedrooms, a god their children will defend with their last breath?

Look, the smartphone isn’t going away. It’s become a part of who we are as human beings. Like everything else that is not the Trinity, a smartphone is a great servant but a brutal master.

I’ll pick it up here next week and offer some suggestions for training and managing smartphone use in our families.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

Counting My Blessings

Even a casual reading of the psalms, whether David's or Moses's (Ps 91, for example) reveals a detailed accounting of God's blessings on him and Israel. Thinking back through 2017 here are 17 ways God blessed me. How did he bless you? I'd enjoy hearing from you.

1. God protected my family and me over tens of thousands of miles traveled by car and plane.
2. God stilled my heart when I said goodbye to any of my four children, all of whom live out of state, assuring me that they are loved and secure under his always alert and watchful care.
3. God comforted me when my heart was heavy from the passing of those I love or sharing in the grief of others.
4. God gave me wisdom to engage with people who sought my pastoral care or counsel. Frankly, I am often in over my head when called to help people. He instills what I do not have.
5. God provided me excellent health to do things he has called me to do and to do many of the things I want to do because I find the activities enjoyable.
6. God presented to me opportunities to preach the Word of God scores of times in a wide range of venues.
7. God delivered timely aid to my spiritual life often through the love of a brother or sister-in-Christ.
8. God revealed himself to me in the daily reading of his word, filling and expanding my mind with the wonder of his person.
9. God answered my prayers for his work in my life, my family, my friends, our church, and in so many more requests.
10. God protected me from the deceptions of Satan when, if left to myself, I would have been overcome.
11. God provided a way of escape for every temptation I faced so that I could endure any and all of them.
12. God extended his mercy to me on a daily basis when I declined his way of escape. I sinned against him every day, yet he did not withhold forgiveness.
13. God grew deep relationships with more than a few faithful friends.
14. God ordered my steps leading me in right paths and turning me away from destructive or dead end paths.
15. God encouraged me when and in ways no human being could. Every word of a person was dissonance to me, but his voice to me was soothing.
16. God taught me to trust him as I watched situations unfold and lived through life moments over which I had no control.
17. God delighted in me as his son. Over and again he affirmed my relationship to him. I am a son of God, and he would have it no other way.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

At Year's End

Count your blessings, name them one by one. Count your many blessings, see what God has done.

As a school-age boy, I remember those words being a regular refrain sung in my church. As we reach the end of 2017, I think it would be a good idea to scratch out on paper the many ways God as blessed you over the last year.

• How has he blessed you through interaction with your immediate family?
• What has he done to make your life easier or your burden lighter?
• How has he blessed your through the preaching of His Word?
• How has he blessed you through your regular Bible reading?
• What prayer requests did he answer?
• What acts of providence do you clearly see as you look back in hindsight?
• What blessings has he given to your church?
• How has he used the people of your church to bless the local community?
• How has the ministry of the your church blessed your life?

Often I hear someone pray, "We thank you for your many blessings." I rejoice at a prayer like this, but I do wonder "What blessings does he mean?"

When you count your blessings, you may be surprised to discover what the Lord has done.

May God's blessings continue to you and your family in 2018.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.

30 for 30

Thirty years ago today, I married the former Brenda Lee Koning. God says, He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord. What follows are thirty expressions how Brenda has delivered God's favor to me as my wife.

1. Brenda loves me unconditionally, faithfully, and passionately despite whatever about me is unlovable.
2. Brenda gave me four amazing children, enduring pregnancies with joy.
3. Brenda served me daily in the nurturing, educating, and mundane care of our children.
4. Brenda promotes my reputation to our children. They love me, in no small part, because their mom makes me out to be much more than I really am. I am sure they’ve never heard her express one word that would diminish me in their minds.
5. Brenda makes our house a place I want to be. I pity men who don’t want to go home because of the presence of the woman of the house. I hate it when Brenda is gone in the evening or overnight. The place is drab and without life. She fills every corner with the wonder of her presence.
6. Brenda has promoted my dreams, whether to be a pastor, pursue a doctorate, buy a Mustang GT, catch a big fish, and so many more.
7. Brenda has served with me in ministry for the whole of our thirty-year marriage. Days following our wedding, we travelled every weekend from Greenville, South Carolina, to Newport, Tennessee, to lead a church youth group. Seven months later I joined the pastoral staff at Faith Baptist Church in Godfrey, Illinois, then came nearly ten years in Midland, Michigan. We’ve spent the last seventeen years in Minnesota. We’ve been side by side in the work of the gospel, and I could not have done it without her.
8. Brenda loved my mom and dad like they were her own.
9. Brenda helped me grieve well after my parents’ deaths. We were so young when her mom died. I doubt I helped her like she has helped me the last two years.
10. Brenda is my most trusted counsellor and confidant, offering sound, mature, and godly advice for a wide range of subjects.
11. Brenda knows my likes and preferences and does all she can to make them available to me as a part of my routine.
12. Brenda is confident in my leadership despite what she knows to be my weaknesses.
13. Brenda shares my enjoyment of sports. She attends with me, watches with me, talks sports with me, and tries to learn aspects of the game unknown to her. Truth be told, before we married, she was the highly recognized high school and college athlete far more than I was.
14. Brenda has grown my compassion for people. She grew up impoverished, raised by a single mom with severe, life-shortening disabilities. Brenda sees people through this lens and helps me to do the same.
15. Brenda’s management of the daily finances of our home releases me from the responsibility necessary for the smooth running of a household. I am comfortable and confident that our commitments are fulfilled and our plan is executed.
16. Brenda has shown me the freedom one can have from bitterness through forgiveness leaving the past in the past.
17. Brenda creates for me an easy lifestyle by flexing when scheduled events do not go according to plan. She adjusts without complaining so as to make the best of the situation.
18. Brenda leaves me alone to accomplish tasks even when she is overtaxed with her responsibilities as a mom and wife. She tries not to add more to my load but tries to diminish it.
19. Brenda thinks of scenarios I do not consider, saving us from trouble or putting us in a position to have a better outcome.
20. Brenda keeps me grounded when I can be foolishly impulsive. Normally, it’s a simple, “Mike!”
21. Brenda inspires me to be more than what I am. Naturally, I am aggressive, but her presence makes me want to become what I am not just to see her smile.
22. Brenda explains to me people I just don’t understand. Admittedly, part of my failure to understand others is a lack of desire to understand, but she paints a picture of others that I can get.
23. Brenda covers my mistakes. I don’t mean she hides my sin; I mean she corrects my human blunders. “I forgot to…” is often followed by “I took care of it.”
24. Brenda draws out of me youthfulness so that I don’t become a curmudgeon as I advance in years.
25. Brenda lifts my spirits in a way no one else can. A simple look, a smile, or the smallest of phrases diminishes in the moment anything that has me down.
26. Brenda shoulders burdens I otherwise would. If she can solve a problem or complete a task that would normally fall to me, she does and relieves me of the load.
27. Brenda has been my chief discipler. From her I’ve learned much about what it means to be a follower of Jesus Christ.
28. Brenda has listened to more of my sermons than any other human being alive, and she still wants to hear me preach again. That’s love.
29. Brenda likes my friends and often encourages me to spend time with them. She’s neither needy nor high maintenance, and she knows I will choose her over my friends all day, every day.
30. Brenda makes me a more complete man. I haven’t arrived, but I would not be what I am without her by my side these last thirty years. After the work of the Holy Spirit, no one has made me what I am more than she.

As always I welcome your feedback and any ideas you might have for an upcoming Lunchtime Musing.